It's been ... one week

Wow.
I wish had sat down to write sooner because this last week has just been a rollercoaster of emotions and change.

I am at my little girl's beck and call right now so hopefully this blog doesn't take me two weeks to actually write.

I am absolutely in love with this beautiful girl. She has been such a challenge and such a joy all wrapped into one gorgeous bundle. I fall more in love with her every second and already am sad that a week has gone by. I know she will grow up too quickly.

I will try to reminisce through the last week and all the ups and downs of it all (I will blog about my labor experience at another time):

The first few days in the hospital were a challenge. I think I had convinced myself that I was having a boy and when she came out a girl - it was a little confusing for me. I wasn't unhappy that she was a girl - I was just so surprised. I also had quite a challenge learning how to be a mother and not just a person that cares for a baby. I think my NICU/newborn experience actually set me back a little bit because I had to learn how to love and care for the baby as though she were my own ... and not just another baby. That realization was shocking and very difficult to adjust to. I had not expected that at all.

Breastfeeding.
What a nightmare. She nursed well enough for a newborn for the first day or so.
The first night after she was born was so incredibly long. She cried all night long and James and I barely got any sleep ... which was horrible after being up/in labor for 24 hours. I think I slept about three hours total in that first night.
After seeing the lactation consultant and working through some of the problems, nursing went better that day. I didn't really need too much help because little miss slept most of the time. She also hadn't realized that she was hungry yet.
Around her 24-hour mark she started to wake up and realize that she was indeed hungry.
I kept nursing her when possible and she just wouldn't calm down. It was getting more difficult to feed her because all she would do was scream and it was very difficult to console her. James and I took turns letting her suck on our finger to calm her down. Finally at about 2am when I had had my limit of her crying and after many, many, many tears of my own and an hour of discussion, we decided to give her a pacifier. I really didn't want to give her one until breastfeeding was well-established, but ... given that we were spending hours letting her suck on our finger so she would calm down - we decided the pacifier might be a better option. After she got the pacifier ... she slept for 4 hours.
Nursing the next day just seemed to go downhill. She wouldn't calm down and was getting very difficult to latch on. James and I were exhausted and didn't have the ability to calm her down anymore. Finally in the afternoon I sent her off to the nursery so we could have a little bit of quiet time ... and maybe even a nap. After she left, I just sobbed. It was so frustrating to not be able to give my daughter what she wanted. I know that breastfeeding is a learned process, but acknowledging that doesn't make the actual learning process any easier.
The first few nights at home were swirling with attempting to latch this little girl on and James dripping water down my breasts in the hope that Charlotte would find the liquid rewarding and latch on. This continued for two nights and we were so desperate to find something else that would work.
I went back on Monday (4 days of life) to have her weight checked and to go to a Breastfeeding Support group. WHAT A RELIEF! The lactation consultant (LC) got me fitted with a 'nipple shield' to help elongate my nipple to allow her to have something more substantial to latch onto. She grabbed right on and nursed beautifully. I got explicit instructions from the LC as to how to get through the next few days of engorgement (my milk was finally starting to come in).

I began pumping like a mad woman for the next couple days to get through the engorgement. It came in handy a couple times when Charlotte was acting like she was starving after we had already nursed. I did finger-feed her a couple times out of desperation and it just made me sob. Watching my little girl have to eat from a tiny tube taped to my finger was not my fantasy of feeding my child. At least it was breastmilk.

The only other thing I've been concerned about is that this child is not pooping. I'm anxious to get her into her cloth diapers, but I've been waiting until her meconium fully passes through. She's still transitioning from meconium to regular breastfed baby poop. I called the pediatrician's office to check and make sure the fact that she hadn't pooped in two days was not a big deal. They said it was okay to give her rectal stimulation to make her poop for awhile until she starts pooping on her own. She's not acting constipated or anything --- just another something for me to worry about. *sigh*

I hope the next week brings a bit more peace and stability and better breastfeeding. It's been exhausting, but worth it. I love this little girl.