brooding

This blog is one big b****fest, so skip over it if you actually have a response other than a hug and a closed mouth.

I am officially irritated.
I haven't been able to take a nap in days. My father-in-law and sister-in-law are coming into town tomorrow and my apartment is a disaster. While I am sure they don't expect it to be immaculate - it is a pit. I haven't had time to do any heavy cleaning in weeks (since I couldn't do any while hugely preggo), and Charlotte won't let me off milk-making duty for more than an hour to hour-and-a-half during the daytime.
That being said, I am getting boooored of sitting around for 30-45 minutes every couple of hours when she's nursing. I really want to spend that time with her, but if I'm not engaging my brain, I'm falling asleep with her at the breast because I'm so exhausted. I've been extremely irritated with her lately because of my exhaustion as well. I am also extremely jealous of James who gets to spend good chunks of his afternoon watching TV programs while I get to breastfeed. I haven't done anything for ME since before Charlotte was born. No knitting, no anything. I am merely sitting down for five minutes a night to blog because I know I will regret it if I don't.

I have a huge list of stuff I want to get at Babies R Us - most of it is necessity, part of it want, and part of me just wants to do a bit of shopping to feel like I have some ounce of normality left in my world. We went tonight --- and arrived just as it was closing. I just wanted to cry. However, with the level of exhaustion I have landed on - I just about snapped. My poor husband is taking the brunt of my irritation right now, although I could use a bit more help from all ends. He is doing plenty --- I just need him to do more. I need help and I am horrible at asking for it -and don't really have anyone that I CAN ask.

So ... to my own detriment ... I continue with the exhaustion with the hope that maybe, MAYBE by the time my 12 weeks off work is up --- my apartment might look respectable. I am so tired I don't have an appetite and I keep forgetting to eat. I know I need to eat for my little girl's sake, but I forget to eat. James and I have a very bad habit of not eating together --- he makes food when he's hungry, and I am responsible for my own meals. That being said --- with that pattern, if I don't get hungry ... I forget to eat.

I need a vacation. Somewhere that I don't have to clean. At all. Just me, my hubby, my baby girl and a waitstaff. I thought family was supposed to help with this, but I guess I was terribly wrong.