22 months

It's so hard to believe my little Charlotte is 22 months old! It seems like yesterday I was writing out her birth story. It's been awhile since I've shared anything about her on here (or anything for that matter). She's growing like a weed, outgrowing every article of clothing I have for her before she can even wear them. Talking up a storm, her vocabulary is out of this world. Running, playing, causing trouble.
Yesterday she had her first swimming lesson at the Community Center. She HATED it. She cried for the first 20 minutes, until she got to jump off the side into my arms. That part she LOVED. "Again, again!"
Then, last night, I was changing her diaper ... it had been about 2 hours since I had last changed her diaper. And she was dry. She has never been interested in going in her little froggy potty but I figured why not? And lo and behold, she did it!

yolk sac

My OB's office called me this morning to check and see how I was doing. I explained to them that it felt more like the ligament pain that I remembered from my last pregnancy, however they still wanted me to come in for an early ultrasound. So..... away we went. James came with me, I think more because we were a little worried that things wouldn't be okay. The sonographer started the ultrasound, and, voila! Uterine pregnancy. One sac. In that teeny little sac, a yolk sac containing our little sesame seed. It was sooooo reassuring.
She also saw a cyst on my left ovary- which is where a lot of my pain has been.

terrified

I woke up this morning with searing pain through my lower abdomen. The pain actually woke me up. It was more localized on the left side than anything but I had intense cramping throughout my entire lower abdomen and back. No bleeding. I was in Columbia, as I had to drive my best friend there for a family emergency, and I ended up calling James in a panic at 5-something in the morning. Both of us scanned the internet and found a lot of nothing. Without the bleeding it could be anything. I ended up calling the doctor on the way home and she said without bleeding, that I could be seen this week if the pain persists - to do an early ultrasound to make sure the pregnancy is in the uterus. I feel a little bit better tonight but I'm still having the pain - and no bleeding. So we'll see what tomorrow brings. I'm praying that this baby is doing well and taking hold nicely.

30 months

December 18, 2009, 8am. Positive.
June 18, 2011, 8pm. Positive.

It's funny that there is such a parallel between this pregnancy and the last one.
Only difference is today, June 20th, the world does not know that this little one exists. I felt like last time we were a bit careless in announcing it so soon. Granted, we were overjoyed and way excited. But, this time, I think we're exercising some caution in the announcing. I don't want to un-announce anything should God have a different plan for this little one.

I've been struggling with deciding on the OB to see and the hospital to deliver. I LOVE my OB - she delivered Charlotte, she did my endo surgery - I love her. But now that I work at a different hospital, my insurance has since changed and it is now a little less expensive to deliver where I work. I'm a little weirded out delivering with my coworkers. I know in the delivery moment you don't care who is in your room - but it creeps me out. I don't know if I could get past that. I spent a lot of time thinking (and freaking out) about it today, and I decided to go with the doctor I've been seeing. I just felt more comfortable about that. And I'm very happy with my decision.

Our first visit is July 18th. I'm excited. Praying that all goes well. And enjoying calling Charlotte 'big sister' and knowing that I have another child to love already. My heart has already grown.

here we go again

I seriously doubted I would be pregnant. We didn't really try this month.

It worked.

I am in a daze. This doesn't feel real. I looked at Charlotte tonight and could not IMAGINE her having a little brother or sister.

We asked her if she wanted a little brother or little sister. She shouted "baby sister!"

We'll see if she's right.

the last straw

Still TTC.

My cousin Matt is getting married this weekend in Vegas. This fact has not impacted my desire to lose weight at all (unfortunately). So, I am now T-minus 96 hours from leaving for the airport and am without attire. Turns out, dresses, etc... aren't cute when you're this big - they're simply fat cover-ups. I had asked a coworker if I could borrow something and she brought me about 7 things to try on. Some fit, some didn't. The ones that fit don't look good. At all.

I dug around in my tubs of 'things that used to fit' looking for my college graduation dress. It fit me at the time, although it was definitely not flattering as I was at my heaviest weight then. I am approaching that weight now, although I don't believe I have surpassed it. I tried the dress on. It was too small. As I tucked it back into those tubs of 'things that used to fit', I wept.

How did I get back here? Did I not promise myself I would never find need to wear that dress again? I used to pull it out and laugh at how big it was... and now it's too small.
I cried as I poured over three tubs of clothes that have fit me in the last four years. And now they are simply memories tucked away.

I tried sooooooo hard to lose all that weight. It took me four years. I felt so good on our wedding day. Not good enough to stay there. I used pregnancy as an excuse to eat what I wanted, yet I didn't stop after our daughter was born. It got worse. And worse. And worse. And now I sit here with a closet full of too-small things. I have about 5 shirts that fit. I am going to Vegas this weekend and WANT to spend the weekend in the pool but I am ashamed to put on a bathing suit. I am ashamed of wearing anything. I am ashamed of myself.

Change starts today. I can't bear another day in this unhealthy body. I owe it to my daughter to make change. I owe it to myself.