Still TTC.
My cousin Matt is getting married this weekend in Vegas. This fact has not impacted my desire to lose weight at all (unfortunately). So, I am now T-minus 96 hours from leaving for the airport and am without attire. Turns out, dresses, etc... aren't cute when you're this big - they're simply fat cover-ups. I had asked a coworker if I could borrow something and she brought me about 7 things to try on. Some fit, some didn't. The ones that fit don't look good. At all.
I dug around in my tubs of 'things that used to fit' looking for my college graduation dress. It fit me at the time, although it was definitely not flattering as I was at my heaviest weight then. I am approaching that weight now, although I don't believe I have surpassed it. I tried the dress on. It was too small. As I tucked it back into those tubs of 'things that used to fit', I wept.
How did I get back here? Did I not promise myself I would never find need to wear that dress again? I used to pull it out and laugh at how big it was... and now it's too small.
I cried as I poured over three tubs of clothes that have fit me in the last four years. And now they are simply memories tucked away.
I tried sooooooo hard to lose all that weight. It took me four years. I felt so good on our wedding day. Not good enough to stay there. I used pregnancy as an excuse to eat what I wanted, yet I didn't stop after our daughter was born. It got worse. And worse. And worse. And now I sit here with a closet full of too-small things. I have about 5 shirts that fit. I am going to Vegas this weekend and WANT to spend the weekend in the pool but I am ashamed to put on a bathing suit. I am ashamed of wearing anything. I am ashamed of myself.
Change starts today. I can't bear another day in this unhealthy body. I owe it to my daughter to make change. I owe it to myself.
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