Today was pretty much the same as the last few ...
Breastfeeding continues to be a challenge. Charlotte is getting more difficult to latch on as she is getting more frustrated with the fact that my anatomy is just not compatible with her mouth. I've had to resort back to using the nipple shield some (which makes me sad, because I really don't want her to become dependent on it) when she gets really belligerent and refuses to latch.
I hope that over the next few weeks things become a bit easier (I am certain that they will) as she gets more coordinated and I get a bit less upset when she begins screaming and I can't calm her down. It's still incredibly upsetting to know that I can't calm my baby girl down.
On a positive note, we finally switched over to cloth diapers today. I wanted to wait until her poop switched over completely to regular breastfed baby poop with no hint of meconium... last thing I need is to ruin my brand new diapers! I'm not yet switching over to the cloth wipes ... I figure do one thing at a time to make it a bit easier. James and I watched a video about prefolds and the different ways to use them. We attempted for a good 20 minutes to try and get one on Charlotte, but we had several issues with gaps and whatnot. She was very cooperative during our attempt but eventually got impatient with us (more with the fact that she was not eating!) and we used a fitted diaper instead. We'll attempt the prefolds again tomorrow when we're a bit less tired.
Sunday, September 6, 2009
Friday, September 4, 2009
regret
I need to sit down and do this at least once a day. I have so many emotions about what is happening right now, I am afraid it is all going to get lost in the shuffle. I need to make time to sit down and do this ... so I am.
Right now I am pretty content with the way things are going. Breastfeeding is definitely going better, although it is still a pretty big struggle at times. I definitely feel more independent, which almost makes me sad in a way since James can't be as involved as he was. I was kind of enjoying him being part of the process rather than a bystander.
I can't believe how much my little girl has already changed. I look back at pictures of her from a week ago and she looks like a completely different baby. I am enjoying her so much, it makes me sad that she's going to get big sooooo quickly. I know she will be a lot more fun once we can interact with her more, but I am enjoying her being this small ... and I know it won't last. I selfishly wish she could stay this small forever.
Right now I am pretty content with the way things are going. Breastfeeding is definitely going better, although it is still a pretty big struggle at times. I definitely feel more independent, which almost makes me sad in a way since James can't be as involved as he was. I was kind of enjoying him being part of the process rather than a bystander.
I can't believe how much my little girl has already changed. I look back at pictures of her from a week ago and she looks like a completely different baby. I am enjoying her so much, it makes me sad that she's going to get big sooooo quickly. I know she will be a lot more fun once we can interact with her more, but I am enjoying her being this small ... and I know it won't last. I selfishly wish she could stay this small forever.
breastfeeding hell
If it continues like this I can't do it anymore.
Overall I thought it was going better. I have been having increasing pain during and after nursing and have pretty well tried every suggestion that I have been given without any luck. My nipples are sore, and one is cracked and bleeding. I just tried to nurse her and it hurt so bad I just ended up sobbing through the entire thing. I never imagined that such a "natural" process could be so painful. James was just writhing during the whole feeding ... knowing that there was nothing he could do to help the pain.
I love my daughter and I want to give her the best start possible, but if we have another feeding like this last one ... I don't think I can bear it.
Overall I thought it was going better. I have been having increasing pain during and after nursing and have pretty well tried every suggestion that I have been given without any luck. My nipples are sore, and one is cracked and bleeding. I just tried to nurse her and it hurt so bad I just ended up sobbing through the entire thing. I never imagined that such a "natural" process could be so painful. James was just writhing during the whole feeding ... knowing that there was nothing he could do to help the pain.
I love my daughter and I want to give her the best start possible, but if we have another feeding like this last one ... I don't think I can bear it.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
It's been ... one week
Wow.
I wish had sat down to write sooner because this last week has just been a rollercoaster of emotions and change.
I am at my little girl's beck and call right now so hopefully this blog doesn't take me two weeks to actually write.
I am absolutely in love with this beautiful girl. She has been such a challenge and such a joy all wrapped into one gorgeous bundle. I fall more in love with her every second and already am sad that a week has gone by. I know she will grow up too quickly.
I will try to reminisce through the last week and all the ups and downs of it all (I will blog about my labor experience at another time):
The first few days in the hospital were a challenge. I think I had convinced myself that I was having a boy and when she came out a girl - it was a little confusing for me. I wasn't unhappy that she was a girl - I was just so surprised. I also had quite a challenge learning how to be a mother and not just a person that cares for a baby. I think my NICU/newborn experience actually set me back a little bit because I had to learn how to love and care for the baby as though she were my own ... and not just another baby. That realization was shocking and very difficult to adjust to. I had not expected that at all.
Breastfeeding.
What a nightmare. She nursed well enough for a newborn for the first day or so.
The first night after she was born was so incredibly long. She cried all night long and James and I barely got any sleep ... which was horrible after being up/in labor for 24 hours. I think I slept about three hours total in that first night.
After seeing the lactation consultant and working through some of the problems, nursing went better that day. I didn't really need too much help because little miss slept most of the time. She also hadn't realized that she was hungry yet.
Around her 24-hour mark she started to wake up and realize that she was indeed hungry.
I kept nursing her when possible and she just wouldn't calm down. It was getting more difficult to feed her because all she would do was scream and it was very difficult to console her. James and I took turns letting her suck on our finger to calm her down. Finally at about 2am when I had had my limit of her crying and after many, many, many tears of my own and an hour of discussion, we decided to give her a pacifier. I really didn't want to give her one until breastfeeding was well-established, but ... given that we were spending hours letting her suck on our finger so she would calm down - we decided the pacifier might be a better option. After she got the pacifier ... she slept for 4 hours.
Nursing the next day just seemed to go downhill. She wouldn't calm down and was getting very difficult to latch on. James and I were exhausted and didn't have the ability to calm her down anymore. Finally in the afternoon I sent her off to the nursery so we could have a little bit of quiet time ... and maybe even a nap. After she left, I just sobbed. It was so frustrating to not be able to give my daughter what she wanted. I know that breastfeeding is a learned process, but acknowledging that doesn't make the actual learning process any easier.
The first few nights at home were swirling with attempting to latch this little girl on and James dripping water down my breasts in the hope that Charlotte would find the liquid rewarding and latch on. This continued for two nights and we were so desperate to find something else that would work.
I went back on Monday (4 days of life) to have her weight checked and to go to a Breastfeeding Support group. WHAT A RELIEF! The lactation consultant (LC) got me fitted with a 'nipple shield' to help elongate my nipple to allow her to have something more substantial to latch onto. She grabbed right on and nursed beautifully. I got explicit instructions from the LC as to how to get through the next few days of engorgement (my milk was finally starting to come in).
I began pumping like a mad woman for the next couple days to get through the engorgement. It came in handy a couple times when Charlotte was acting like she was starving after we had already nursed. I did finger-feed her a couple times out of desperation and it just made me sob. Watching my little girl have to eat from a tiny tube taped to my finger was not my fantasy of feeding my child. At least it was breastmilk.
The only other thing I've been concerned about is that this child is not pooping. I'm anxious to get her into her cloth diapers, but I've been waiting until her meconium fully passes through. She's still transitioning from meconium to regular breastfed baby poop. I called the pediatrician's office to check and make sure the fact that she hadn't pooped in two days was not a big deal. They said it was okay to give her rectal stimulation to make her poop for awhile until she starts pooping on her own. She's not acting constipated or anything --- just another something for me to worry about. *sigh*
I hope the next week brings a bit more peace and stability and better breastfeeding. It's been exhausting, but worth it. I love this little girl.
I wish had sat down to write sooner because this last week has just been a rollercoaster of emotions and change.
I am at my little girl's beck and call right now so hopefully this blog doesn't take me two weeks to actually write.
I am absolutely in love with this beautiful girl. She has been such a challenge and such a joy all wrapped into one gorgeous bundle. I fall more in love with her every second and already am sad that a week has gone by. I know she will grow up too quickly.
I will try to reminisce through the last week and all the ups and downs of it all (I will blog about my labor experience at another time):
The first few days in the hospital were a challenge. I think I had convinced myself that I was having a boy and when she came out a girl - it was a little confusing for me. I wasn't unhappy that she was a girl - I was just so surprised. I also had quite a challenge learning how to be a mother and not just a person that cares for a baby. I think my NICU/newborn experience actually set me back a little bit because I had to learn how to love and care for the baby as though she were my own ... and not just another baby. That realization was shocking and very difficult to adjust to. I had not expected that at all.
Breastfeeding.
What a nightmare. She nursed well enough for a newborn for the first day or so.
The first night after she was born was so incredibly long. She cried all night long and James and I barely got any sleep ... which was horrible after being up/in labor for 24 hours. I think I slept about three hours total in that first night.
After seeing the lactation consultant and working through some of the problems, nursing went better that day. I didn't really need too much help because little miss slept most of the time. She also hadn't realized that she was hungry yet.
Around her 24-hour mark she started to wake up and realize that she was indeed hungry.
I kept nursing her when possible and she just wouldn't calm down. It was getting more difficult to feed her because all she would do was scream and it was very difficult to console her. James and I took turns letting her suck on our finger to calm her down. Finally at about 2am when I had had my limit of her crying and after many, many, many tears of my own and an hour of discussion, we decided to give her a pacifier. I really didn't want to give her one until breastfeeding was well-established, but ... given that we were spending hours letting her suck on our finger so she would calm down - we decided the pacifier might be a better option. After she got the pacifier ... she slept for 4 hours.
Nursing the next day just seemed to go downhill. She wouldn't calm down and was getting very difficult to latch on. James and I were exhausted and didn't have the ability to calm her down anymore. Finally in the afternoon I sent her off to the nursery so we could have a little bit of quiet time ... and maybe even a nap. After she left, I just sobbed. It was so frustrating to not be able to give my daughter what she wanted. I know that breastfeeding is a learned process, but acknowledging that doesn't make the actual learning process any easier.
The first few nights at home were swirling with attempting to latch this little girl on and James dripping water down my breasts in the hope that Charlotte would find the liquid rewarding and latch on. This continued for two nights and we were so desperate to find something else that would work.
I went back on Monday (4 days of life) to have her weight checked and to go to a Breastfeeding Support group. WHAT A RELIEF! The lactation consultant (LC) got me fitted with a 'nipple shield' to help elongate my nipple to allow her to have something more substantial to latch onto. She grabbed right on and nursed beautifully. I got explicit instructions from the LC as to how to get through the next few days of engorgement (my milk was finally starting to come in).
I began pumping like a mad woman for the next couple days to get through the engorgement. It came in handy a couple times when Charlotte was acting like she was starving after we had already nursed. I did finger-feed her a couple times out of desperation and it just made me sob. Watching my little girl have to eat from a tiny tube taped to my finger was not my fantasy of feeding my child. At least it was breastmilk.
The only other thing I've been concerned about is that this child is not pooping. I'm anxious to get her into her cloth diapers, but I've been waiting until her meconium fully passes through. She's still transitioning from meconium to regular breastfed baby poop. I called the pediatrician's office to check and make sure the fact that she hadn't pooped in two days was not a big deal. They said it was okay to give her rectal stimulation to make her poop for awhile until she starts pooping on her own. She's not acting constipated or anything --- just another something for me to worry about. *sigh*
I hope the next week brings a bit more peace and stability and better breastfeeding. It's been exhausting, but worth it. I love this little girl.
a good reminder...
I got this off one of my mommy forums. It couldn't have been phrased better.
"You have a baby now and her needs always need to come first. Pick her up, love her and hold her. You will never get this time back with her. In one hour she will be one hour older and tomorrow she will be 7 days instead of only 6. Enjoy this time."
"You have a baby now and her needs always need to come first. Pick her up, love her and hold her. You will never get this time back with her. In one hour she will be one hour older and tomorrow she will be 7 days instead of only 6. Enjoy this time."
mooooooooooo
So... this made me laugh hysterically:
I'm sitting on the bed after pumping milk and I waved the bottle at James yelling "mooooooooooo!!!" ... and I drop it onto his pillow :(
LUCKILY it didn't spill much.
I'm sitting on the bed after pumping milk and I waved the bottle at James yelling "mooooooooooo!!!" ... and I drop it onto his pillow :(
LUCKILY it didn't spill much.
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
I don't want to miss a thing
I soooo should be sleeping since she is.
However, I put her down in her crib and I can't stop staring at that beautiful girl. I never imagined love like this. I look at her and she is just so perfect. Her lips, her eyes, her fingernails, her soft soft skin, her wispy baby hair ... I can't believe that it's all perfect and exactly where it's supposed to be.
I've always been in awe at the miracle that is a baby --- the whole process from conception to birth is truly remarkable and amazing... sometimes I have a hard time believing that it actually happened to me. I feel like such a changed person in so many ways. I look at life from a whole different perspective. Every thing I want to do is for her.
I have such a hard time putting her down and knowing that it is okay to miss a few moments of her life, I just don't want to. She is going to grow up so fast ... I don't want to miss a moment of it.
Totally cheesy, but the song lyric that matches my feelings perfectly is:
"I could stay awake just to hear you breathing.
Watch you smile while you are sleeping. While you're far away and dreaming.
I could spend my life in this sweet surrender.
I could stay lost in this moment forever.
'Cause every moment spent with you is a moment I treasure.
I don't want to close my eyes, I don't want to fall asleep, 'cause I'd miss you babe.
And, I don't want to miss a thing."
-Aerosmith
However, I put her down in her crib and I can't stop staring at that beautiful girl. I never imagined love like this. I look at her and she is just so perfect. Her lips, her eyes, her fingernails, her soft soft skin, her wispy baby hair ... I can't believe that it's all perfect and exactly where it's supposed to be.
I've always been in awe at the miracle that is a baby --- the whole process from conception to birth is truly remarkable and amazing... sometimes I have a hard time believing that it actually happened to me. I feel like such a changed person in so many ways. I look at life from a whole different perspective. Every thing I want to do is for her.
I have such a hard time putting her down and knowing that it is okay to miss a few moments of her life, I just don't want to. She is going to grow up so fast ... I don't want to miss a moment of it.
Totally cheesy, but the song lyric that matches my feelings perfectly is:
"I could stay awake just to hear you breathing.
Watch you smile while you are sleeping. While you're far away and dreaming.
I could spend my life in this sweet surrender.
I could stay lost in this moment forever.
'Cause every moment spent with you is a moment I treasure.
I don't want to close my eyes, I don't want to fall asleep, 'cause I'd miss you babe.
And, I don't want to miss a thing."
-Aerosmith
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