Okay, so this may sound completely insane, considering my due date is in two days...
I was sitting in my recliner watching TV with my hubby, knitting a hat for Sprout and glanced down at my wiggly belly and it hit me. There is actually a baby in there. I could almost see the outline of the little person in there and I just burst into tears.
My dream of being a mother is really happening. I look back at my notes from 9-10 months ago with the question lingering of whether or not this moment would ever happen, and I just can't believe it's actually here.
I am so anxious to meet this baby!
It's just around the corner and the anticipation grows more with every passing hour...
Monday, August 24, 2009
Real vs. False
My uterus is confusing.
I have off-and-on had contractions that have increased for the last few days and every time I think it's something to start paying more attention to - they taper off or stop completely. While I understand that this is vital for my body to prepare itself for true labor, it's very exhausting. I don't know what to expect when labor truly begins and that's kinda frightening in a way. I am continually reading about labor and the signs/symptoms of it, and how to get through it as best possible, but the thought if actually arriving scares me. I think just not knowing what to expect is more frightening than anything.
Will it be long? Short?
Will Sprout decide to come on his/her own or will I have to be induced?
Will I be able to do it on my own or will it be more than I can handle?
When is it finally going to come?
Is this baby going to be huge? Just right?
Am I going to be able to push it out or will I have to have a c-section?
Will the baby tolerate it okay?
Will I tolerate it okay?
So much unknown to focus on right now - given that I am now just sitting and waiting.
Sitting.
Waiting.
Contracting.
I have off-and-on had contractions that have increased for the last few days and every time I think it's something to start paying more attention to - they taper off or stop completely. While I understand that this is vital for my body to prepare itself for true labor, it's very exhausting. I don't know what to expect when labor truly begins and that's kinda frightening in a way. I am continually reading about labor and the signs/symptoms of it, and how to get through it as best possible, but the thought if actually arriving scares me. I think just not knowing what to expect is more frightening than anything.
Will it be long? Short?
Will Sprout decide to come on his/her own or will I have to be induced?
Will I be able to do it on my own or will it be more than I can handle?
When is it finally going to come?
Is this baby going to be huge? Just right?
Am I going to be able to push it out or will I have to have a c-section?
Will the baby tolerate it okay?
Will I tolerate it okay?
So much unknown to focus on right now - given that I am now just sitting and waiting.
Sitting.
Waiting.
Contracting.
Friday, August 21, 2009
a short note to Sprout
Dear little Sprout,
If you are uncomfortable over the fact that you do not have any more room to move, please exit your current home rather than kick me repeatedly in the ribs!
Love,
Mommy
If you are uncomfortable over the fact that you do not have any more room to move, please exit your current home rather than kick me repeatedly in the ribs!
Love,
Mommy
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Still one.
My doctor's visit this last week didn't yield any different result than the week before other than I can now call myself an official member of the 38-week club. My doctor almost looked at me apologetically after she checked me and determined that I was no closer to delivering (cervical change wise...time wise I am obviously closer) than the week before. *sigh*
Back home to anxiously awaiting for Sprout's arrival.
You know what though, maybe this is a good thing. Mentally I am so ready to have this baby here. I want to hold it. Smell its head (if you've ever smelled a baby's head you know what I'm talking about). Snuggle it. Look in awe at this thing that I helped create.
I am so glad this pregnancy fell at this point in my life. I would be so incredibly jealous at all the new babies I know that have been born lately --- especially my niece. I've seen her so many times since she is born and when I hold her, all I think of is: "I want one." When I vocalize this, I am reminded by anyone in the room, "You're having one, and soon."
That reality hasn't 100% sunk in. I mentally had chalked up months and years worth of trying for this little one, so much that it still hasn't sunk in that this has all happened so wonderfully fast. I truly am having one of those.
It's so overwhelming to think of the amount of love I have for this little person squirming away inside me, and I haven't met him/her face-to-face yet.
Until then, I'll just keep waiting until I feel like I'm about to burst (no pun intended) with the overwhelming desire to hold my precious little Sprout and finally tell him/her how much I love them. (cue the teardrops)
Back home to anxiously awaiting for Sprout's arrival.
You know what though, maybe this is a good thing. Mentally I am so ready to have this baby here. I want to hold it. Smell its head (if you've ever smelled a baby's head you know what I'm talking about). Snuggle it. Look in awe at this thing that I helped create.
I am so glad this pregnancy fell at this point in my life. I would be so incredibly jealous at all the new babies I know that have been born lately --- especially my niece. I've seen her so many times since she is born and when I hold her, all I think of is: "I want one." When I vocalize this, I am reminded by anyone in the room, "You're having one, and soon."
That reality hasn't 100% sunk in. I mentally had chalked up months and years worth of trying for this little one, so much that it still hasn't sunk in that this has all happened so wonderfully fast. I truly am having one of those.
It's so overwhelming to think of the amount of love I have for this little person squirming away inside me, and I haven't met him/her face-to-face yet.
Until then, I'll just keep waiting until I feel like I'm about to burst (no pun intended) with the overwhelming desire to hold my precious little Sprout and finally tell him/her how much I love them. (cue the teardrops)
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Sprout, Sprout, wiggle about
Several months ago, my darling husband created his own lyrics with regard to our little one to the Tears for Fears song "Shout, Shout, let it all out"
The first version consisted only of: "Sprout, Sprout, wiggle about"
A couple months later it got a makeover: "Sprout, Sprout, don't you come out. Stay in your mom where you wiggle about."
Since I hit "full term" it has changed again: "Sprout, Sprout, you can come out. Until then keep wiggling about."
*************
As I near the end of this pregnancy, many friends who have kids continue to tell me: Even though you're almost finished and miserable, enjoy being pregnant, because you will miss it.
To be honest, I wouldn't necessarily call myself miserable (yet). Other than having issues moving around well, I really haven't had too many complaints this third trimester ...other than the horrendous ligament pain that comes and goes and the occasional David Beckham-style kicks to my ribs or headbutts to my cervix (ouch!).
I have overall enjoyed being pregnant, although there are parts of it I definitely won't miss. I more feel blessed that I was given this opportunity to bring this baby into the world, considering we weren't even certain that we were going to be able to.
Every time I feel Sprout "wiggling about" I try to stop and focus on how that feels because while I am so looking forward to holding this child we created, I do know that I will miss feeling it moving around inside. Feeling him/her moving around is such a strange feeling to try and explain, but it's very calming in a way. Regardless of how many jabs, punches and headbutts I get - even the ones that hurt so badly I fly out of my chair - they make me smile because with each one I imagine with it the message, "Hey mom, I'm still here, and I'm okay!"
As Sprout has gotten bigger in the last couple weeks, and run out of room to move around, the movement has definitely slowed down. In addition, Sprout has definitely taken to having some wake/sleep cycles. Good for extra-uterine life, bad for a worried mother who freaks when she doesn't feel her little one moving for what seems like hours at a time. Just when I start getting overly concerned, Sprout gives me what sometimes is just a reassuring little wiggle. It's enough to calm me down.
I am hoping Sprout at least holds off until after tomorrow evening, as I am having some maternity pictures taken that I am quite looking forward to! I don't imagine he/she will make her grand entrance that early (after all, it is MY child ... ), but then again, you never can be too sure.
Sprout, Sprout, you can come out.
Until then, keep wiggling about.
Your mommy likes it. And she knows she will miss it.
The first version consisted only of: "Sprout, Sprout, wiggle about"
A couple months later it got a makeover: "Sprout, Sprout, don't you come out. Stay in your mom where you wiggle about."
Since I hit "full term" it has changed again: "Sprout, Sprout, you can come out. Until then keep wiggling about."
*************
As I near the end of this pregnancy, many friends who have kids continue to tell me: Even though you're almost finished and miserable, enjoy being pregnant, because you will miss it.
To be honest, I wouldn't necessarily call myself miserable (yet). Other than having issues moving around well, I really haven't had too many complaints this third trimester ...other than the horrendous ligament pain that comes and goes and the occasional David Beckham-style kicks to my ribs or headbutts to my cervix (ouch!).
I have overall enjoyed being pregnant, although there are parts of it I definitely won't miss. I more feel blessed that I was given this opportunity to bring this baby into the world, considering we weren't even certain that we were going to be able to.
Every time I feel Sprout "wiggling about" I try to stop and focus on how that feels because while I am so looking forward to holding this child we created, I do know that I will miss feeling it moving around inside. Feeling him/her moving around is such a strange feeling to try and explain, but it's very calming in a way. Regardless of how many jabs, punches and headbutts I get - even the ones that hurt so badly I fly out of my chair - they make me smile because with each one I imagine with it the message, "Hey mom, I'm still here, and I'm okay!"
As Sprout has gotten bigger in the last couple weeks, and run out of room to move around, the movement has definitely slowed down. In addition, Sprout has definitely taken to having some wake/sleep cycles. Good for extra-uterine life, bad for a worried mother who freaks when she doesn't feel her little one moving for what seems like hours at a time. Just when I start getting overly concerned, Sprout gives me what sometimes is just a reassuring little wiggle. It's enough to calm me down.
I am hoping Sprout at least holds off until after tomorrow evening, as I am having some maternity pictures taken that I am quite looking forward to! I don't imagine he/she will make her grand entrance that early (after all, it is MY child ... ), but then again, you never can be too sure.
Sprout, Sprout, you can come out.
Until then, keep wiggling about.
Your mommy likes it. And she knows she will miss it.
my child without a gender
As the birth of this child draws closer, more and more people continue to ask, "Do you have any feelings about what it is?"
To be honest...I really don't.
I have had dreams that it is a boy. I have had dreams that it is a girl. I joke that because I've been knitting a large pink blanket (which was originally for a friend of mine, but I am now hanging onto it in case Sprout is a girl --- which I think is fair, I've been working on the blanket for two months now!), and because I've been knitting a pink one ... that Sprout will come out a boy. But, since I have so many boy clothes, maybe it means Sprout will be a girl. Or, because my husband wants a boy so badly, it will be a girl. Or, because everyone seems to think it's a boy, that it will be a girl.
Me? I have no idea what this child is.
And to be honest, I have gotten so used to not assigning a gender to this child in my mind (I don't want to be set on one in my head and then have it come out another - one of the reasons I never wanted to know before the birth in the first place).
This child is just a soon-to-be born baby that does not have a gender in my mind. It is not a boy or a girl. It is a new life that God has blessed me with bringing into this world. I have a hard time actually thinking that this new person will actually BE a boy or a girl.
Ha - don't get me wrong I know that the child will actually have a gender, but it's just hard for me to break my gender-neutral mindset. I know as soon as this little one is born that all those thoughts will go out the window as well, but for now, I am having a hard time imagining.
I am so looking forward to holding this little Sprout in my arms. It will be so soon now, the anticipation is overwhelming.
To be honest...I really don't.
I have had dreams that it is a boy. I have had dreams that it is a girl. I joke that because I've been knitting a large pink blanket (which was originally for a friend of mine, but I am now hanging onto it in case Sprout is a girl --- which I think is fair, I've been working on the blanket for two months now!), and because I've been knitting a pink one ... that Sprout will come out a boy. But, since I have so many boy clothes, maybe it means Sprout will be a girl. Or, because my husband wants a boy so badly, it will be a girl. Or, because everyone seems to think it's a boy, that it will be a girl.
Me? I have no idea what this child is.
And to be honest, I have gotten so used to not assigning a gender to this child in my mind (I don't want to be set on one in my head and then have it come out another - one of the reasons I never wanted to know before the birth in the first place).
This child is just a soon-to-be born baby that does not have a gender in my mind. It is not a boy or a girl. It is a new life that God has blessed me with bringing into this world. I have a hard time actually thinking that this new person will actually BE a boy or a girl.
Ha - don't get me wrong I know that the child will actually have a gender, but it's just hard for me to break my gender-neutral mindset. I know as soon as this little one is born that all those thoughts will go out the window as well, but for now, I am having a hard time imagining.
I am so looking forward to holding this little Sprout in my arms. It will be so soon now, the anticipation is overwhelming.
Friday, August 7, 2009
one
I hit 37 weeks on Wednesday which means that Sprout is now full term! (imagine me doing a tiny happy dance)
I can't tell you how much of a relief that is - knowing that this baby is now officially ready for the outside world. A few weeks of growth will still do Sprout some good (although I'm not sure how much more painful it will make birthing this child...), but if Sprout decides that today is the day... Hakuna Matata.
On Wednesday I found out a friend of mine was being induced that day - third friend I've had give birth in a week (congrats Rachel, Trisha & AnnaLisa!!!) (I know a fourth who is currently in labor). I had a few pangs of jealousy that all these babies are coming because I am so anxious and excited to meet this little one!!!
Trotted off to work that night like it was no big deal --- other than my ever-growing cankles I've been feeling pretty decent lately. Was on my feet for about a half an hour and then they started. The contractions. At first I just felt a few (which is common because I've been contracting off and on for a few weeks --- nothing regular since my bout with preterm labour three weeks ago, but enough to cause me some pretty significant discomfort at times).
After about an hour of being on my feet while working the contractions started feeling more regular and definitely stronger and getting quite painful. Decided I needed to rest for a bit and start counting them to see if it was anything to be concerned over. After sitting for about an hour and counting the ever increasing intensity of the contractions which were coming about every four minutes --- I was left wondering ... is this it? It's too bad I couldn't have some magical sense of whether or not I was dilating.
After about another half hour of walking around and the contractions being so strong I had to stop what I was doing and breathe through them ... I had to leave. I wasn't sure if I should go straight to the hospital to be checked or head home and try to wait and see if things got worse. I preferred the latter because I wanted James to be with me. I also didn't want to head all the way to the hospital just to be sent back home. So... I called my doc to ask what I should do. Thank goodness it was my doc on call that night because she has this magical way of calming me down when I'm freaking out. She told me to go home, take a hot bath, and wait and see if things got better or worse.
The contractions calmed down on the ride home (I am still convinced it was the plinking sounds of the Coldplay Lullaby CD that did it, but James rolls his eyes when I say that).
I got into the bath as soon as I got home, and while I was still having some pretty painful ones, they did slow down quite a bit. Went to bed, thinking: "if it's real labor, I won't be able to sleep or they'll wake me up." I did manage to sleep off and on for 8 hours, so I assume they were just lovely Braxton Hicks and it was the second of what I hope are not many false alarms.
Had a doctor's appointment yesterday and I was really hoping that she was going to check me and see if I was dilating yet. I hoped all those contractions were for something!!! And...she tells me I'm dilated to one. O-N-E. One is better than zero for sure. But I was almost disappointed it was only one. I still have three weeks 'til my due date so I know I'm being more optimistic than I should be --- given that a lot of first time moms go past their due dates. Of course they say that most people don't know exactly when they got pregnant so their due date is a bit of an estimate, but most people aren't as anal as I am and plan these things to a T. (Although in this case I don't think I expected my planning to work out quite as well the first time out)
So... I am sitting and waiting. Still expecting to go back to work next week, although I am going to take my doc's advice and try to not work three shifts in a row. I have a wonderful coworker that offered to work one of my shifts for me, I just have to call and make sure my manager is okay with it (I'm sure she will be).
So... I am sitting and waiting and trying to not nest too much since I know I need to rest... given that childbirth is just around the corner. Although it may not be for a few weeks yet.
I want to hold my baby.
I can't tell you how much of a relief that is - knowing that this baby is now officially ready for the outside world. A few weeks of growth will still do Sprout some good (although I'm not sure how much more painful it will make birthing this child...), but if Sprout decides that today is the day... Hakuna Matata.
On Wednesday I found out a friend of mine was being induced that day - third friend I've had give birth in a week (congrats Rachel, Trisha & AnnaLisa!!!) (I know a fourth who is currently in labor). I had a few pangs of jealousy that all these babies are coming because I am so anxious and excited to meet this little one!!!
Trotted off to work that night like it was no big deal --- other than my ever-growing cankles I've been feeling pretty decent lately. Was on my feet for about a half an hour and then they started. The contractions. At first I just felt a few (which is common because I've been contracting off and on for a few weeks --- nothing regular since my bout with preterm labour three weeks ago, but enough to cause me some pretty significant discomfort at times).
After about an hour of being on my feet while working the contractions started feeling more regular and definitely stronger and getting quite painful. Decided I needed to rest for a bit and start counting them to see if it was anything to be concerned over. After sitting for about an hour and counting the ever increasing intensity of the contractions which were coming about every four minutes --- I was left wondering ... is this it? It's too bad I couldn't have some magical sense of whether or not I was dilating.
After about another half hour of walking around and the contractions being so strong I had to stop what I was doing and breathe through them ... I had to leave. I wasn't sure if I should go straight to the hospital to be checked or head home and try to wait and see if things got worse. I preferred the latter because I wanted James to be with me. I also didn't want to head all the way to the hospital just to be sent back home. So... I called my doc to ask what I should do. Thank goodness it was my doc on call that night because she has this magical way of calming me down when I'm freaking out. She told me to go home, take a hot bath, and wait and see if things got better or worse.
The contractions calmed down on the ride home (I am still convinced it was the plinking sounds of the Coldplay Lullaby CD that did it, but James rolls his eyes when I say that).
I got into the bath as soon as I got home, and while I was still having some pretty painful ones, they did slow down quite a bit. Went to bed, thinking: "if it's real labor, I won't be able to sleep or they'll wake me up." I did manage to sleep off and on for 8 hours, so I assume they were just lovely Braxton Hicks and it was the second of what I hope are not many false alarms.
Had a doctor's appointment yesterday and I was really hoping that she was going to check me and see if I was dilating yet. I hoped all those contractions were for something!!! And...she tells me I'm dilated to one. O-N-E. One is better than zero for sure. But I was almost disappointed it was only one. I still have three weeks 'til my due date so I know I'm being more optimistic than I should be --- given that a lot of first time moms go past their due dates. Of course they say that most people don't know exactly when they got pregnant so their due date is a bit of an estimate, but most people aren't as anal as I am and plan these things to a T. (Although in this case I don't think I expected my planning to work out quite as well the first time out)
So... I am sitting and waiting. Still expecting to go back to work next week, although I am going to take my doc's advice and try to not work three shifts in a row. I have a wonderful coworker that offered to work one of my shifts for me, I just have to call and make sure my manager is okay with it (I'm sure she will be).
So... I am sitting and waiting and trying to not nest too much since I know I need to rest... given that childbirth is just around the corner. Although it may not be for a few weeks yet.
I want to hold my baby.
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