a note from daddy

It's not just women that seem to get all soppy and emotional when they find out they have a child on the way. I can't imagine this being good news in bad circumstances, I can understand how some people shrink and want to run away. But for me this is dream come true stuff.

Mostly.

About three months ago I was watching Juno ... which I love ... because its so supremely sarcastic and cynical and at the end of the movie when Juno and her Pauly Bleeker wind up spooning on a hospital bed after they gave up their child ....... I had to stand up rather quickly and go find something else to think about.

Whats this emotion business about!!!! There is no bawling at movies ... I don't do this.

Since then I have almost lost it:

During a birthing class – during the really gross crowning bit. Doing dishes. Reading parenting magazines on the john. Looking at a car seat base in my car. I have no clue when its coming ...... while many fans cry at football (soccer) games because their wretched team managed to lose again, I almost bawled at the thought of bringing a kid with me in a couple of years ...

Its my in tune happy dad side – its the bit that longs to see my child ....

Then I have my repressive adult alter ego. That tries to throw up barriers because it knows this kid is coming and is busily trying to stand its ground. It still wants to be a bachelor .... ideally. Because that way life is entirely on its terms. It gets to feed when it wants, sleep when it wants. It gets to save its money for HDTVs and it likes bar chicks.

I went to see my niece (mine?) last week and this kid was freaking tiny and terrifying and helpless, innocent, perfect looking and they asked me if I wanted to hold her and I politely declined while in my head this voice was like “get that thing away from me”.

Kids are so vulnerable and helpless and demand that you love them, because it is an act of love to protect and nurture a child. It is instinctive and in many respects you have no choice but I'll submit that to be exposed to infants is to be made vulnerable. You can't hold a child and not be affected by it. Something inside you makes you wish to express love to a child in a way you might not to an adult. Its the difference between unconditional and relational love.

So yah, I didn't want to hold my niece because .... “oh my god she is tiny”.... I didn't want to cross that line. Seeing her made so much of this so real ...... “we are having one of those!!” ... and in many respects I wanted to hold onto my last shred of composure ... “you touch it ... you'll think about how it will feel to hold yours and you might bawl in front of these people” .... before my little one makes his/her first appearance and I entirely fall apart with all the repressed joy and relief that I have.

Somebody spoke about nesting a while back. He said that as much readying of physical things as we do the real change is that we begin to make space for a child to entire our worlds. When I first found out Ashley was pregnant my biggest fear was that something would go wrong. Now we are a month away from being parents and my biggest fear is finding out just how much room is left to make ... how much love can you feel for one person?

Terbutaline

So, yesterday was a pretty eventful day.

Started out with wicked, nasty heartburn as I was leaving work. Tums did nothing and by the time I got home I was fighting some pretty bad nausea. I attempted to sleep very unsuccessfully for a couple hours and in-between trips to the bathroom I started having some wicked bad contractions (probably a side-effect of not being able to keep anything down).

I tried calling the doctor's office, but everyone was on their lunch break. I couldn't wait an hour an a half ...so...off to the hospital we went.

I got hooked up to the monitors and within a couple minutes it was pretty clear that I was contracting - more often than I was even feeling at that point ... every two minutes. However, I wasn't dilated at all, thank goodness. I remained hooked up to the monitor while they attempted to get me hydrated (which wasn't very successful seeing as I was still extremely nauseous). The "GI cocktail" they gave me to help with the nausea tasted so horrible it made me gag, so that didn't get finished either.

After two hours on the monitor with my contractions increasing in intensity (and feeling every single one...) and getting closer together I got a shot of Terbutaline to try and relax my uterus and stop the contractions. Then I got an earful of the side effects that I should expect: rapid heartbeat, anxiety, jitteriness, shortness of breath. Within 5 minutes I got all of those full force. The contractions however, did slow and finally taper off. Finally, some relief! I was so exhausted at that point, I had only slept an hour in 30+ hours.

After a couple more hours to make sure the contractions didn't start back up and that I wasn't dilating (I wasn't)- back home we went, with orders to drink, eat and sleep.

I'm hoping these don't start back up - I'm scared I'm going to end up on bedrest if this happens again. I was up doing some stuff earlier and I felt them start back up. Into bed I got, and they stopped.

I hope Sprout gets a few more weeks of intrauterine growth. I'll do what I can to make it happen, even if that means I get nothing accomplished but a healthy baby at the end. That's the goal anyway, right?

worry

I think some sort of hormone must be released at the moment you discover you're going to be a parent that leads to the inevitable worry that you will have for that child for the rest of your life.
Furthermore, I think that this hormone is somehow emitted by the newly created embryo that crosses over to the father as well as implanting itself into the mother.

This persistent state of worry (though not always at the surface) begins to exhibit itself immediately rather than beginning when the baby makes its entrance into the extra-uterine world. That being said - when life begins...worry does too.

I worried constantly about Sprout before I could feel him/her move...because I wanted to know that he/she was okay. I was convinced that as soon as I could feel the movements - I would feel relieved and no longer worry.
Now, as Sprout is a very active "little" fetus (I use the word little very lightly as Sprout is getting big!) I constantly worry if I don't feel any movements as well. As Sprout is settling into regular wake/sleep cycles, I have found myself tending to get concerned a bit more often. And, as Sprout is getting bigger and the movements are getting a bit less obvious (i.e. my belly is not imitiating the surface of the water at the beach), this has not helped matters.

I had to lie down and do a kick count today - knowing that Sprout was likely fine... but I had to be sure. This is the second or third one that I've done. Lucky for me (and my worried husband), Sprout kicked 11+ times in the first half hour. I was more that reassured. Since then, my little one has jabbed me in the ribs several times. I imagine him/her saying with it, "I'm okay, Mom!"

I guess this just prepares me for the worry I'll have after this little one makes his/her debut...
I'm 34 weeks tomorrow. That's a milestone in my mind, because I personally decided to make my grand entrance in my 34th week. Hopefully Sprout has enough sense to stay in for a few more weeks, allowing me to do the preparing I so desperately need to get done!
It's out of my hands....

All up to you, little one.

a note to Mr. Braxton Hicks

Dear Mr. Braxton Hicks,
I officially experienced one of your contractions tonight - and I did not like it. I do not like your invention.
Thanks for your time.

hiccups

I'm lying here working on some cloth diaper research and started feeling Sprout move. This is typically Sprout's most active time of day so I really wasn't too bothered. Then, I started feeling a little movement about every 2-3 seconds that's been going on for about five minutes and I think it's hiccups! Kinda cute right now, but not sure they'll be cute in another few weeks when Sprout is huge!

Sprout already doesn't like it when I sit because he/she gets smooshed and when I was driving earlier I had a butt/foot smashed underneath my ribs on the left side and it HURTS!

the hardest part

So there are some definite pros to being pregnant. And definitely some cons as well. But all those things aside, I've come to realise what is definitely the hardest part about having this live-in roommate. And that would be gaining weight - and being okay with it.

When you've struggled with your weight your entire adolescent and adult life - and managed to take decent control over it and get back to a point where you're happy with where you are - it is one of the most difficult things in the world to let that take a backseat to baby-growing and watch the scale continue to climb not only up to, but past numbers you swore you would never see again. Ever.

And it's not only that you have to be okay with this ridiculous weight gain, but it's expected that you are okay with it. And others not only acknowledge this, but ASK you how much you've gained. That's my own private business.
My answer to you: too much. (Although it's really just right)

I don't think it helps that I always feel hungry regardless of the amount of food I eat. I can manage to ignore the hunger for a bit, but once it takes over your entire thought process and is all consuming- I have to remember that the baby needs food too, and unfortunately babies don't get nutrition from cellulite.

I want little Sprout to stay in there as long as possible, but I cannot WAIT until I can hit the gym and get back down to a pre-pregnancy weight that is respectable. I am determined that I will get there. I'll show you. I'll show all of you.

the little jello jiggler

I started noticing a few days ago when I was lying on the couch that when Sprout gives me some major kicks and punches that my belly has started moving a bit! I don't think it would be very noticeable if I wasn't feeling them on the inside as well, but I definitely noticed a few little ripples!

Happened last night when I was in the bathtub too... This little one definitely likes to kick its mother. Hopefully it is a little nicer to me when it decides to make its entrance into the world...which hopefully is not for awhile. I'm still so paranoid about having a preemie...but I guess that comes with the territory, given that's what I do for a living.