a note from daddy

It's not just women that seem to get all soppy and emotional when they find out they have a child on the way. I can't imagine this being good news in bad circumstances, I can understand how some people shrink and want to run away. But for me this is dream come true stuff.

Mostly.

About three months ago I was watching Juno ... which I love ... because its so supremely sarcastic and cynical and at the end of the movie when Juno and her Pauly Bleeker wind up spooning on a hospital bed after they gave up their child ....... I had to stand up rather quickly and go find something else to think about.

Whats this emotion business about!!!! There is no bawling at movies ... I don't do this.

Since then I have almost lost it:

During a birthing class – during the really gross crowning bit. Doing dishes. Reading parenting magazines on the john. Looking at a car seat base in my car. I have no clue when its coming ...... while many fans cry at football (soccer) games because their wretched team managed to lose again, I almost bawled at the thought of bringing a kid with me in a couple of years ...

Its my in tune happy dad side – its the bit that longs to see my child ....

Then I have my repressive adult alter ego. That tries to throw up barriers because it knows this kid is coming and is busily trying to stand its ground. It still wants to be a bachelor .... ideally. Because that way life is entirely on its terms. It gets to feed when it wants, sleep when it wants. It gets to save its money for HDTVs and it likes bar chicks.

I went to see my niece (mine?) last week and this kid was freaking tiny and terrifying and helpless, innocent, perfect looking and they asked me if I wanted to hold her and I politely declined while in my head this voice was like “get that thing away from me”.

Kids are so vulnerable and helpless and demand that you love them, because it is an act of love to protect and nurture a child. It is instinctive and in many respects you have no choice but I'll submit that to be exposed to infants is to be made vulnerable. You can't hold a child and not be affected by it. Something inside you makes you wish to express love to a child in a way you might not to an adult. Its the difference between unconditional and relational love.

So yah, I didn't want to hold my niece because .... “oh my god she is tiny”.... I didn't want to cross that line. Seeing her made so much of this so real ...... “we are having one of those!!” ... and in many respects I wanted to hold onto my last shred of composure ... “you touch it ... you'll think about how it will feel to hold yours and you might bawl in front of these people” .... before my little one makes his/her first appearance and I entirely fall apart with all the repressed joy and relief that I have.

Somebody spoke about nesting a while back. He said that as much readying of physical things as we do the real change is that we begin to make space for a child to entire our worlds. When I first found out Ashley was pregnant my biggest fear was that something would go wrong. Now we are a month away from being parents and my biggest fear is finding out just how much room is left to make ... how much love can you feel for one person?