I seriously doubted I would be pregnant. We didn't really try this month.
It worked.
I am in a daze. This doesn't feel real. I looked at Charlotte tonight and could not IMAGINE her having a little brother or sister.
We asked her if she wanted a little brother or little sister. She shouted "baby sister!"
We'll see if she's right.
Saturday, June 18, 2011
Monday, June 6, 2011
the last straw
Still TTC.
My cousin Matt is getting married this weekend in Vegas. This fact has not impacted my desire to lose weight at all (unfortunately). So, I am now T-minus 96 hours from leaving for the airport and am without attire. Turns out, dresses, etc... aren't cute when you're this big - they're simply fat cover-ups. I had asked a coworker if I could borrow something and she brought me about 7 things to try on. Some fit, some didn't. The ones that fit don't look good. At all.
I dug around in my tubs of 'things that used to fit' looking for my college graduation dress. It fit me at the time, although it was definitely not flattering as I was at my heaviest weight then. I am approaching that weight now, although I don't believe I have surpassed it. I tried the dress on. It was too small. As I tucked it back into those tubs of 'things that used to fit', I wept.
How did I get back here? Did I not promise myself I would never find need to wear that dress again? I used to pull it out and laugh at how big it was... and now it's too small.
I cried as I poured over three tubs of clothes that have fit me in the last four years. And now they are simply memories tucked away.
I tried sooooooo hard to lose all that weight. It took me four years. I felt so good on our wedding day. Not good enough to stay there. I used pregnancy as an excuse to eat what I wanted, yet I didn't stop after our daughter was born. It got worse. And worse. And worse. And now I sit here with a closet full of too-small things. I have about 5 shirts that fit. I am going to Vegas this weekend and WANT to spend the weekend in the pool but I am ashamed to put on a bathing suit. I am ashamed of wearing anything. I am ashamed of myself.
Change starts today. I can't bear another day in this unhealthy body. I owe it to my daughter to make change. I owe it to myself.
My cousin Matt is getting married this weekend in Vegas. This fact has not impacted my desire to lose weight at all (unfortunately). So, I am now T-minus 96 hours from leaving for the airport and am without attire. Turns out, dresses, etc... aren't cute when you're this big - they're simply fat cover-ups. I had asked a coworker if I could borrow something and she brought me about 7 things to try on. Some fit, some didn't. The ones that fit don't look good. At all.
I dug around in my tubs of 'things that used to fit' looking for my college graduation dress. It fit me at the time, although it was definitely not flattering as I was at my heaviest weight then. I am approaching that weight now, although I don't believe I have surpassed it. I tried the dress on. It was too small. As I tucked it back into those tubs of 'things that used to fit', I wept.
How did I get back here? Did I not promise myself I would never find need to wear that dress again? I used to pull it out and laugh at how big it was... and now it's too small.
I cried as I poured over three tubs of clothes that have fit me in the last four years. And now they are simply memories tucked away.
I tried sooooooo hard to lose all that weight. It took me four years. I felt so good on our wedding day. Not good enough to stay there. I used pregnancy as an excuse to eat what I wanted, yet I didn't stop after our daughter was born. It got worse. And worse. And worse. And now I sit here with a closet full of too-small things. I have about 5 shirts that fit. I am going to Vegas this weekend and WANT to spend the weekend in the pool but I am ashamed to put on a bathing suit. I am ashamed of wearing anything. I am ashamed of myself.
Change starts today. I can't bear another day in this unhealthy body. I owe it to my daughter to make change. I owe it to myself.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
waiting ...
James and I are trying for another baby again. (If you're one of the VERY few readers of this, please keep that quiet). I should know sometime this week, but the waiting is driving me bananas. I've had a bit of spotting going on that COULD be implantation bleeding, or the start of my monthly friend. I'm hopeful, but not keeping my fingers crossed.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
baby fever
My heart is so full right now. For the first time in awhile I feel like my glass is half-full. Actually, it feels more than that. I feel like my heart is in the right place with so many things.
I have started attending a new church over the last couple months, partly because it's local, partly because one of my best friends goes there with her family, partly to continue my search to find a church that I can truly call home. I have NEVER had a church nail its' sermons week after week PRECISELY where I am at in that particular moment. I, for the first time, feel home. Desperation Church (DC) has helped my heart to soften and open back up to the wonder that is Christ. I have had intermittent periods in my life before where I have had a good relationship with God, but it's been quite a rollercoaster ride at times. I have never felt closer to God than I do now. I am in awe of everything He has done for us, and while I will never understand it, just the fact that he knows my heart and loves me the same amazes me. He truly is Our Father.
Now that I've probably bored you with all this "God talk" when my title said "baby fever ..."
I've struggled with depression pretty horribly since Charlotte was born. I've been on medication and I've been seeing a therapist (who I *love*) for the past 10 months. I've had moments where I felt like I'm heading towards rock bottom. I stopped taking care of myself and the scale now backs me up on that. I have longed to feel normal again; longed to feel like the rollercoaster was on the upward swing; longed to feel stable; longed to feel whole.
James and I had talked about trying for another baby at the beginning of this year. At the back end of last year, we had several lengthy discussions about how I did not feel ready. With as unstable as I felt mentally, I felt as though adding the emotional/physical stress of another pregnancy would send me straight into rock bottom. I was left wondering if I'd EVER get to the place where I felt like I could take that kind of commitment on and feel okay with it. Don't get me wrong, I KNOW I want at least one more child, but I was terrified that I couldn't handle it. I didn't want to put that on myself, my unborn child, Charlotte or my husband.
I FINALLY feel like I've reached some mental stability. I feel encouraged that I CAN handle this. I have God at the center of my life and with him ALL things are possible!!! He is my rock.
However, I do have a few things that need to happen before I can logically take this kind of commitment on myself ...
I have gained a significant amount of weight since we were married. I'm not back to the heaviest I ever was, but I'm certainly not far from it. I hate this. I've needed the motivation to get back on track. I have it now. I am SO excited for the prospect of getting healthier. I feel so healthy and alive spiritually, I want to feel that way physically!
I want to get healthier before I take on another pregnancy as well. Being overweight carries significant risks to myself and my unborn child should I become pregnant. If that's God's will, it's God's will, but I need to be smart and take care of myself and my family.
I love my daughter, and I want to be around for her as long as possible.
I finally feel committed to that goal.
I'm ready for it.
I have started attending a new church over the last couple months, partly because it's local, partly because one of my best friends goes there with her family, partly to continue my search to find a church that I can truly call home. I have NEVER had a church nail its' sermons week after week PRECISELY where I am at in that particular moment. I, for the first time, feel home. Desperation Church (DC) has helped my heart to soften and open back up to the wonder that is Christ. I have had intermittent periods in my life before where I have had a good relationship with God, but it's been quite a rollercoaster ride at times. I have never felt closer to God than I do now. I am in awe of everything He has done for us, and while I will never understand it, just the fact that he knows my heart and loves me the same amazes me. He truly is Our Father.
Now that I've probably bored you with all this "God talk" when my title said "baby fever ..."
I've struggled with depression pretty horribly since Charlotte was born. I've been on medication and I've been seeing a therapist (who I *love*) for the past 10 months. I've had moments where I felt like I'm heading towards rock bottom. I stopped taking care of myself and the scale now backs me up on that. I have longed to feel normal again; longed to feel like the rollercoaster was on the upward swing; longed to feel stable; longed to feel whole.
James and I had talked about trying for another baby at the beginning of this year. At the back end of last year, we had several lengthy discussions about how I did not feel ready. With as unstable as I felt mentally, I felt as though adding the emotional/physical stress of another pregnancy would send me straight into rock bottom. I was left wondering if I'd EVER get to the place where I felt like I could take that kind of commitment on and feel okay with it. Don't get me wrong, I KNOW I want at least one more child, but I was terrified that I couldn't handle it. I didn't want to put that on myself, my unborn child, Charlotte or my husband.
I FINALLY feel like I've reached some mental stability. I feel encouraged that I CAN handle this. I have God at the center of my life and with him ALL things are possible!!! He is my rock.
However, I do have a few things that need to happen before I can logically take this kind of commitment on myself ...
I have gained a significant amount of weight since we were married. I'm not back to the heaviest I ever was, but I'm certainly not far from it. I hate this. I've needed the motivation to get back on track. I have it now. I am SO excited for the prospect of getting healthier. I feel so healthy and alive spiritually, I want to feel that way physically!
I want to get healthier before I take on another pregnancy as well. Being overweight carries significant risks to myself and my unborn child should I become pregnant. If that's God's will, it's God's will, but I need to be smart and take care of myself and my family.
I love my daughter, and I want to be around for her as long as possible.
I finally feel committed to that goal.
I'm ready for it.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
ra ra ra ra RAH! (and the first toofers)
I haven't blogged for a loooong time. Fortunately for my daughter, I'm at least keeping her baby book up to date, or maybe it's the fact that I take so many pictures of her, I can remember keep a picture journal.
New developments since my last blog:
James and I are buying a house!!!! It has the room we so desperately need, and we close in 8 days! I'm sooooo excited I can hardly stand it. I just want to move now :) It's in my hometown and close to my parents, which both have their pros and cons. :)
Charlotte is a busy bee, and is crawling everywhere, pulling up on everything, falling over all the time, getting into everything. She's fantastic at eating pureed solids and cheerios, not so great at chunks of food, but I'm not in a hurry for this baby to grow up any faster than she already is.
Her lastest funnies include burying her face in blankets, and popping up exclaiming "RAH!" We think she's trying to scare or surprise us, but all it does is make us laugh. She's so hilarious. Her other thing to try and get our attention is to babble ra ra ra ra RAH! She's a riot. I love her so much.
And, last but not least, she has a tooth! It's the most beautiful tooth I've ever seen! (well, not really, but I think it's pretty darn spectacular) We've been able to see them under the gums for quite awhile, but it finally erupted last Friday. Ah, the joys of a teething baby.
New developments since my last blog:
James and I are buying a house!!!! It has the room we so desperately need, and we close in 8 days! I'm sooooo excited I can hardly stand it. I just want to move now :) It's in my hometown and close to my parents, which both have their pros and cons. :)
Charlotte is a busy bee, and is crawling everywhere, pulling up on everything, falling over all the time, getting into everything. She's fantastic at eating pureed solids and cheerios, not so great at chunks of food, but I'm not in a hurry for this baby to grow up any faster than she already is.
Her lastest funnies include burying her face in blankets, and popping up exclaiming "RAH!" We think she's trying to scare or surprise us, but all it does is make us laugh. She's so hilarious. Her other thing to try and get our attention is to babble ra ra ra ra RAH! She's a riot. I love her so much.
And, last but not least, she has a tooth! It's the most beautiful tooth I've ever seen! (well, not really, but I think it's pretty darn spectacular) We've been able to see them under the gums for quite awhile, but it finally erupted last Friday. Ah, the joys of a teething baby.
Monday, April 5, 2010
tank again
My milk supply is definitely not keeping up anymore. My freezer stash has dwindled from two baskets full of milk to just a handful of freezer bags. Tonight, Charlotte just screamed after she had completely drained me on both sides. James had to give her a bottle to pacify her, as nothing I did could soothe her.
James and my mother-in-law keep telling me "oh you've done so well breastfeeding for 7 months, you shouldn't feel bad."
But I do.
I'm not ready for her to wean from me just yet. I cherish this bond that we have, and I don't want it to end just yet. She's such a busy girl right now, it's nice to have those quiet (albeit sometimes busy as well - as she grabs her feet, kicks and yanks her head from side to side) moments that only the two of us can share. Once the breastfeeding ends, so do those tender moments. And, while there will be other moments, there is nothing like the feeling that you're giving your beloved child the gift of life through nourishment. To see her have grown as much as she has is quite satisfying to know that I was able to accomplish that - it is definitely one of my biggest feats to this day.
I'm just not ready for it to end.
Having gone from having a super milk supply to not enough is very disheartening. I feel like I'm not doing something right because of it, and it's hard to not feel like I'm failing somehow.
I'm going to get another bottle of Fenugreek in the morning, and also call the lactation consultant in the morning to get some advice. I'm not sure what else to do at this point. I don't think formula is evil, I just never thought we'd actually have to give her any, and I loved that thought. I was comfortable with that thought.
And the thought that the day we may have to give her some is lurking in the distance ... makes me very sad.
James and my mother-in-law keep telling me "oh you've done so well breastfeeding for 7 months, you shouldn't feel bad."
But I do.
I'm not ready for her to wean from me just yet. I cherish this bond that we have, and I don't want it to end just yet. She's such a busy girl right now, it's nice to have those quiet (albeit sometimes busy as well - as she grabs her feet, kicks and yanks her head from side to side) moments that only the two of us can share. Once the breastfeeding ends, so do those tender moments. And, while there will be other moments, there is nothing like the feeling that you're giving your beloved child the gift of life through nourishment. To see her have grown as much as she has is quite satisfying to know that I was able to accomplish that - it is definitely one of my biggest feats to this day.
I'm just not ready for it to end.
Having gone from having a super milk supply to not enough is very disheartening. I feel like I'm not doing something right because of it, and it's hard to not feel like I'm failing somehow.
I'm going to get another bottle of Fenugreek in the morning, and also call the lactation consultant in the morning to get some advice. I'm not sure what else to do at this point. I don't think formula is evil, I just never thought we'd actually have to give her any, and I loved that thought. I was comfortable with that thought.
And the thought that the day we may have to give her some is lurking in the distance ... makes me very sad.
knees up!
Charlotte has officially figured out how to move her knees under her and crawl properly! She doesn't do it all the time, but she definitely has it figured out! This aids her new talent of climbing on and over everything she can, as well as pulling on things to stand up! This girl is growing so fast! It's hard to take everything in, because she does new things all the time!
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