baby fever

My heart is so full right now. For the first time in awhile I feel like my glass is half-full. Actually, it feels more than that. I feel like my heart is in the right place with so many things.

I have started attending a new church over the last couple months, partly because it's local, partly because one of my best friends goes there with her family, partly to continue my search to find a church that I can truly call home. I have NEVER had a church nail its' sermons week after week PRECISELY where I am at in that particular moment. I, for the first time, feel home. Desperation Church (DC) has helped my heart to soften and open back up to the wonder that is Christ. I have had intermittent periods in my life before where I have had a good relationship with God, but it's been quite a rollercoaster ride at times. I have never felt closer to God than I do now. I am in awe of everything He has done for us, and while I will never understand it, just the fact that he knows my heart and loves me the same amazes me. He truly is Our Father.

Now that I've probably bored you with all this "God talk" when my title said "baby fever ..."

I've struggled with depression pretty horribly since Charlotte was born. I've been on medication and I've been seeing a therapist (who I *love*) for the past 10 months. I've had moments where I felt like I'm heading towards rock bottom. I stopped taking care of myself and the scale now backs me up on that. I have longed to feel normal again; longed to feel like the rollercoaster was on the upward swing; longed to feel stable; longed to feel whole.

James and I had talked about trying for another baby at the beginning of this year. At the back end of last year, we had several lengthy discussions about how I did not feel ready. With as unstable as I felt mentally, I felt as though adding the emotional/physical stress of another pregnancy would send me straight into rock bottom. I was left wondering if I'd EVER get to the place where I felt like I could take that kind of commitment on and feel okay with it. Don't get me wrong, I KNOW I want at least one more child, but I was terrified that I couldn't handle it. I didn't want to put that on myself, my unborn child, Charlotte or my husband.

I FINALLY feel like I've reached some mental stability. I feel encouraged that I CAN handle this. I have God at the center of my life and with him ALL things are possible!!! He is my rock.

However, I do have a few things that need to happen before I can logically take this kind of commitment on myself ...
I have gained a significant amount of weight since we were married. I'm not back to the heaviest I ever was, but I'm certainly not far from it. I hate this. I've needed the motivation to get back on track. I have it now. I am SO excited for the prospect of getting healthier. I feel so healthy and alive spiritually, I want to feel that way physically!
I want to get healthier before I take on another pregnancy as well. Being overweight carries significant risks to myself and my unborn child should I become pregnant. If that's God's will, it's God's will, but I need to be smart and take care of myself and my family.

I love my daughter, and I want to be around for her as long as possible.

I finally feel committed to that goal.

I'm ready for it.