tank again

My milk supply is definitely not keeping up anymore. My freezer stash has dwindled from two baskets full of milk to just a handful of freezer bags. Tonight, Charlotte just screamed after she had completely drained me on both sides. James had to give her a bottle to pacify her, as nothing I did could soothe her.

James and my mother-in-law keep telling me "oh you've done so well breastfeeding for 7 months, you shouldn't feel bad."

But I do.

I'm not ready for her to wean from me just yet. I cherish this bond that we have, and I don't want it to end just yet. She's such a busy girl right now, it's nice to have those quiet (albeit sometimes busy as well - as she grabs her feet, kicks and yanks her head from side to side) moments that only the two of us can share. Once the breastfeeding ends, so do those tender moments. And, while there will be other moments, there is nothing like the feeling that you're giving your beloved child the gift of life through nourishment. To see her have grown as much as she has is quite satisfying to know that I was able to accomplish that - it is definitely one of my biggest feats to this day.

I'm just not ready for it to end.

Having gone from having a super milk supply to not enough is very disheartening. I feel like I'm not doing something right because of it, and it's hard to not feel like I'm failing somehow.

I'm going to get another bottle of Fenugreek in the morning, and also call the lactation consultant in the morning to get some advice. I'm not sure what else to do at this point. I don't think formula is evil, I just never thought we'd actually have to give her any, and I loved that thought. I was comfortable with that thought.

And the thought that the day we may have to give her some is lurking in the distance ... makes me very sad.