How to irritate a pregnant woman...

Grum-py. I have started noticing more and more these nice mood swings that I'm supposed to have, and I'm finding myself more and more irritated about the littlest things.

I have also mentally compiled a list of things that should never exit peoples' mouths when speaking to a pregnant woman. Feel free to add your own.

1. While in an elevator...
Preggo #1: "When are you due...?"
Preggo #2: "August 14th."
Preggo #1: turns to me... "Gosh, I hate to ask when you are due."
THEN DON'T! I have more weeks left than the skinny pregnant woman you just asked.
Preggo me: "I have 13 weeks left....I'm due the end of August."

It gets better though...
Preggo #1: "I'm not due until October...and I already feel like a cow."
I bit my tongue. I wanted to say, "Just wait for a few months when you feel like a huge cow and everyone points out to you how huge you are."
KEEP YOUR OPINIONS ON THE SIZE OF MY BELLY TO YOURSELF. I already feel like an elephant. Your opinion is just going to make me feel bigger and possibly make me cry.

2. PLEASE STOP ASKING/TELLING ME THE FOLLOWING:
***When are you due? (August)
***What are you having? (A baby...duh....as for the gender....we're not finding out....and no I don't care if you think that's the coolest thing in the world)
***Do you have any names picked out? (Yes, but I'm not telling you because I don't want your opinion)
***Is it your first? (yes it is...does it matter?)
***How are you feeling? (fine is my generic answer....I'm not telling you how I really feel because you're only going to follow it with.....JUST WAIT...it gets worse. You know what? I know it's going to get worse, and I don't care. I wanted to be a mother and I signed up for nine months of this. My goal is the finish line and to hold my baby at the end. So, even though I don't feel wonderful all the time....I feel like a huge pregnant elephant who KNOWS she's going to get bigger.)

3. Stop trying to touch my belly. Unless you are growing this child yourself or you helped create it - it is off limits. I do not like being touched without being asked... and no, I don't care if you want to ignore all of this and touch my belly anyway, because I'm tired of being rubbed like a lamp. You can touch my baby when it is out. Until then, keep your hands to yourself before I start rubbing your belly inappropriately. Do you really want me to make you feel fat? Because I can.

I am going to start wearing this shirt every day


4. I don't want to hear your opinions on parenting/pregnancy/motherhood. I am a human that is perfectly capable of reading and if I want your opinion...I'll ask for it.

5. If you ask me how much weight I have put on...I am not going to answer you. Instead I am going to ask you how much YOU have put on.