Deciding...

I want to have a documentation of this experience, and I am too lazy to sit down and write, so I've decided to blog it instead. Don't really care if anyone ventures to read it, I just want to have it down somewhere.

My (new) husband James and I have decided we're going to start trying for a baby. Granted, we've only been married for 7 and a half weeks now (53 days if you're really counting), after much discussion (and plenty before we were married as well), we think we're ready. James seems a bit more ready than I am - which has me a little apprehensive, but deep down, I know I'm meant to be a mother.

I think I'm a little nervous about the journey, only because I don't know what it will entail. I was officially diagnosed with endometriosis 9 months ago, after 13 years of speculation. It was a relief to finally have a name for my pain, but at the same time it was a bit sad to know I'd carry that term with me forever. I've coped with it as best as I know how - talking about it, and not being ashamed of it.

I'm anxious about what lies ahead, only because I don't know how quickly it will take us to get pregnant. I could get pregnant immediately.....I could struggle with it......or I could be infertile. Chances are more the middle ground of that spectrum, but not knowing is a little nerve wracking. I think because I long to be a mother so badly I don't want to hear anyone tell me it's not going to happen. It pains me to know there are so many unwanted and mistreated children in the world, when there are so many people that long for the child they'll never have.

I also have been juggling the thought of whether or not I am ready to carry the burden of being a mother (I know I'm ready for the joy...) Giving up full "rights" to my husband, when he only just became mine.....and also giving up the freedom that goes along with being a young adult. I was very sheltered as a child (and allowed myself to be as a teenager)....and again in my early twenties when I moved back home, I only now feel like life is becoming mine and love feeling in complete (nearly) control of what happens. Am I truly ready to give that up?
I talked with James about this earlier (while he was thousands of miles away in Ireland), and he said something that has sat well with me. We're not giving something up. That's just part of the package. And, we're not really giving up anything in our relationship, we're adding something to it, that's an extension of us.

I love that my husband knows what to say at the right time - in the right way. I know I over-analyze and over-think things....often to the death and to my own dismay. James is the perfect compliment to this seemingly flaw of mine, but I know I need to be a little more spontaneous and just enjoy the ride.

So.............here goes!